Shit Kids Say #2

I kept trying to get a student to stop goofing off today. Her response: "My heart makes me make silly faces."

My student thinks I look like a dick with feet.

Got this from one of my students (that's supposed to be me). I'm both touched and mildly offended.

Shit Kids Say

I hadn't shaved for a while because I'm lazy, so today one of my students asked me why I had an eyebrow above my lips. I asked him in return why he had a fist in his face (I'm just kidding, I don't hit children).

5 Reasons Why Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is Actually About a Child-Hating Serial Killer

The other day, my roommate James made me watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the 1971 version, not the lame Tim Burton remake), because he had this theory that Willy Wonka is actually a sadistic child murderer. I had no idea what he was talking about, having only seen the film as a kid, but I thought I'd give his theory a chance... and holy shit it's completely true.

I couldn't believe it. The beloved Mr. Wonka... a MURDERER. I knew at that moment we had to blow the whistle on this bad boy, Edward Snowden-style, and immediately got to work. We pored over the footage looking for evidence that would reveal Wonka's evil intentions, and my God it's all over the place.

Without further ado, here are the results of our research...

5 Reasons Why Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is Actually About a Child-Hating Serial Killer
Note: I'm talking strictly about the 1971 film here, not the book nor the 2005 remake.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) is a film beloved by all for its heartwarming tale about a poor young boy who comes to inherit a magical chocolate factory after passing a test of his character. The movie is labeled as a family film that is entertaining for both children and their parents, while also teaching the kids certain moral lessons along the way.

At least… that’s what it is on the surface.

Remember that scene where the world is introduced to Willy Wonka, and how he tricks everyone into believing he is a crippled man before doing a somersault and showing the world he is perfectly able-bodied? Maybe it was an innocent joke, or maybe he’s showing everyone that he cannot be trusted and that nothing is as it seems. Because when you look deeper underneath the surface, you’ll see that Willy Wonka is actually a child-hating serial killer who had planned the deaths of five innocent children from the very beginning, making the movie less of a family film and more akin to a Se7en-style serial killer flick. With children.

1. Wonka hand-picked each of his victims (who were all children)

When Wonka announced his golden ticket competition, the entire world went crazy for Wonka's candy. People were building computers to try to locate the tickets, and even the Queen of England was interested in buying Wonka bars. Considering the fact that everyone and their mothers were looking for these tickets, isn’t it kind of a strange coincidence that all the winners are children? Well, maybe it's not a coincidence at all.

   

Remember me?

Remember that creepy guy Slugworth, who is supposedly Wonka's competitor and is looking for the formula to the Everlasting Gobstopper? As you’ll recall, "Slugworth" is actually a man named Wilkinson under Wonka’s employ, who was purposely sent by Wonka to test the kids. Well, it just so happens that he shows up at every single scene where the tickets are found, immediately after they’re found.

Unfortunately for the actor, he was forever after type-cast as a child molester.

If you believe that it was all just some happy coincidence that Slugworth was in Germany, the U.S., England, and the alley that Charlie would run into the minute after he found the golden ticket, you probably also still believe in the tooth fairy. I hate to break it to you, but that money you found underneath your pillow was planted by your parents, just like Slugworth planted the tickets for Wonka's unsuspecting victims.

2. He laid out intricate traps designed to lure each victim specifically

Alright, so clearly Wonka handpicked his victims. Specifically, he picked kids with key character flaws, and like the Jigsaw Killer, he built elaborate traps that would pit the victims in a life-or-death struggle that would require them to overcome their flaws or face a horrendous death. Let's go through each one.

Augustus Gloop
Augustus was a glutton, and Wonka brought him to a chocolate river without any guard rails. There was no way Augustus could resist that kind of temptation. Look at him! The only way the trap could have been more suited to Augustus was if the river also contained floating pieces of cake with sprinkles on top and fried chicken. I mean, we all saw it coming.

There's nothing a fat kid loves more than a chocolate river, other than a chocolate river full of cake.

When Augustus fails the test, he dies in one of the most horrendous ways possible - drowning to death in a freakin' pipe. Seriously. If the pump has enough suction power to propel a large kid vertically through a pipe, I'm not sure about the science, but I'm pretty sure there's no way that kid is getting enough oxygen in there. Even if he manages to survive that, he would end up jumping straight from the chocolate pipe into the fire, because Wonka says he'll probably end up in the boiler room. A death that combines claustrophobia with the fear of drowning and burning alive? Holy shit Wonka, that's ice cold. All that just because you don't like fat kids?!

Violet Beauregarde
Violet loves gum. A lot. She even holds the record for the longest gum chewing in the world. I've got an idea, let's wave a gum that turns kids into blueberries right in front of her face.

It doesn't even look appetizing...

Can she resist the temptation?

Nope.

She fails the test, becoming victim number two. Now, we technically don't know if she ends up exploding or not, but seeing as to how the Oompa Loompas take their sweet-ass time getting her to the juicing room, I have my doubts that she'll make it. Even if she does live through the ordeal, her life will never be the same. I mean... she just blue herself. I really don't think the world is ready for a half-girl half-blueberry, and unless she can finagle a superhero career as Mystique's retarded half-cousin or something, her life is pretty much over.

Or maybe she can take some lessons from this guy. Half boy, half breakfast cereal... he's Mintberry Crrrrunch!

Veruca Salt
What greedy self-centered brat could resist a goose laying golden eggs? Not Veruca Salt, that's for sure. She has to have one of them so badly that she breaks out into song, which means she really wants that fucking goose. I mean when was the last time you wanted something so badly that you just broke out into song? My point exactly. I think. I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make. Anyway, she falls into the eggdicator and down the chute into the incinerator. The chute is big enough for Veruca's large dad to fit in, so I doubt Veruca will get stuck. Bye bye Veruca Salt.

Mike Teevee

Mike loves T.V. so much that it's his last name. So of course, when he gets a chance to show up on T.V., he can't resist (although, there's a potential plot hole here, because at the beginning of the movie, when Mike won a golden ticket, he was also on T.V. but didn't seem that thrilled about it. To be fair, Mike was watching T.V. when he was on T.V., so maybe that's why he wasn't as excited about being on T.V. Who knows. I might have to write another essay delving into Mike's psyche because that also seems like a very good use of my time). Mike gets converted through Wonkavision into a miniature version of himself, then Wonka sends him to the taffy pulling machine. Right. Because miniature boys stretch like taffy. Even the Oompa Loompa sent to do the task is like WTF are you talking about Wonka, and needs Wonka to reassure him that he won't be held responsible when Mike gets split in two. Ick.

It's Mike Teevee. On T.V. What a surprise.

Now, I know what you may be thinking. At the end of the movie, Willy Wonka promises Charlie that these four other kids are "quite alright." Well, this is coming from the guy who also said “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams” in response to the question, “Whoever’s heard of a snozzberry?” so I’m not sure I would take his word for anything.

This scene says it all.

Charlie Bucket

Oh we'll get to Charlie little birds. Just wait.

Cheer up Charlie... we'll get to you in just a moment.

4. Wonka and his Oompa Loompas were prepared for each death

Pay attention to the number of seats and the number of coat-hangers after each kid disappears. After Wonka "takes care" of Augustus and his mother,

       

Who doesn't love a crazy acid trip on a boat?

they get on a boat that has exactly enough seats for nine people… as if Wonka knew Augustus and his mom would disappear.

Take a look also at the Wonkamobile. By the point they get onto the car, only two kids are left, and lo and behold, there are just enough seats for Wonka, the two kids, and their parents.

Let's not even go into how awkward this scene was.

It looks like even the number of coat-hangers changes over time.

If that's not evidence enough that Wonka knew and planned for each murder, what about the Oompa Loompas? You expect me to believe that tiny orange people with green hair exist, and they can synchronize dances and come up with song lyrics at will? I can only suspend my disbelief for so long, COME ON! Clearly Wonka forced these guys to practice and prepare each song to be performed after each victim died. It's too perfect.

4. Wonka could have very easily saved every one of his victims, but chose not to

Watch how nonchalant Wonka is about the fact that these kids are dying left and right. When Augustus falls into the chocolate river, Wonka could have easily extended his cane out to Augustus instead of what he actually does, which is nothing.

When Augustus’s mother even says “Don’t just stand there, do something!” all Wonka does is sarcastically reply, “Help, police, murder.”

He could have also told Violet to stop chewing the gum because it would turn her into a blueberry - I'm pretty sure she would have listened to that - and he could have told Veruca not to climb onto the eggdicator because it leads to an incinerator.

The most obvious instance is actually Mike Teevee, because unlike with the other victims, all Wonka and his Oompa Loompas had to do to save the kid was do nothing. See, the Wonkavision machine has to be activated before it does anything... and you can clearly see the Oompa Loompa putting on his goggles and pressing the button to shrink the kid after he gets on. There was clearly intent here; I rest my case your honor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj3WBfRZ5Nc&t=0m40s

5. He destroys Charlie Bucket in the cruelest way imaginable, driving him to insanity/suicide

OK, by this point, you have to agree that Wonka is a pretty sadistic and fucked-up guy. But what about Charlie, you ask. Poor, innocent, kid-with-a-heart-of-gold Charlie. Wonka gave him the chocolate factory, so clearly Wonka isn’t all that bad, right? He couldn’t possibly have had any malicious intent with such a sweet kid… could he?

Well, think about it. We’ve established that Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory is now the scene of four gruesome murders. What do you think will happen to the factory as soon as people find out the next day that four of the five ticket winners just completely vanished from the face of the earth? They’ll be bringing in the police, and once the police arrive, they’ll also uncover the Oompa Loompa human trafficking ring Wonka has going on (because let's be honest here, they're totally slaves), as well as the factory’s complete lack of adherence to any sanitation or safety standards. Wonka's company will be hit with so many lawsuits and sanctions that you can kiss all of its assets goodbye, leaving Charlie with nothing.

Now, imagine you’re innocent little Charlie. When he discovered that he would inherit the Wonka Factory and that he could bring his whole family to live with him, his mind must have been completely blown. His mom doesn’t have to wash laundry anymore! His grandparents can finally have adequate healthcare and food! All of his sorrows and troubles are completely washed away, and he can live happily ever after… then BOOM, the next day, as he stands amidst the ashes of what was supposed to be his ticket out of poverty, he’ll realize it was all just a cruel practical joke played by a sadistic psychopath.

You get nothing! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR! Now leave me alone while I continue to trip on acid.

Can you imagine the psychological damage this would have on Charlie? Because honestly, if any of the other four kids had been punk’d as bad as Charlie had been, they probably wouldn’t have been as deeply affected by it. No, it was as if Willy Wonka told Slugworth/Wilkinson to find the purest, most innocent child possible, just so he could completely crush his spirit like a bug. Charlie will probably be driven to insanity or even kill himself after that kind of psychological torture. The ironic part is that Grandpa Joe actually had asked Wonka at one point, "How could you do a thing like this? Build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces?" Because he's a psychopath Grandpa Joe, have you not been paying attention to the movie?!

The final scene of the film, which I assume was cut because it was way too dark for kids, was supposed to feature Charlie lying dead on the ground with Oompa Loompas singing around him, as Willy Wonka laughs maniacally all the way to Panama to spend his fortune.

Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,

I’ve got another puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa, do-ba-da-dee,

If you are wise you’ll listen to me.

What do you get if you're young and naive?

Trusting a man who likes to deceive,

He'll take your heart and tear it in two,

Making a com-plete fool of you!

Never trust a psychopath.

Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,

If you're not dumb then you will go far.

You will live in happiness too,

Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.

Seriously… this movie is fucked up.